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2012 The Year That Almost Paralysed Me

In 2012 I was a stay at home mum living in the rural cottage of my dreams (great for tranquillity not so great for job prospects). My daughter had gone off to college, the last of my four Rough Collies was on her last legs and my husband of 24 years had turned into someone I didn't recognise.

2012 (Just off the top of my head and in rough chronological order rather than on a scale of devastation):-

  • My daughter went away to college.
  • My beloved dog died.
  • My husband started to pretend my daughter and I didn't exist.
  • I received a lawyers letter saying that he wanted an “amicable” separation (he wasn't behaving “amicably”).
  • He had his salary paid into a new account and stopped paying the bills (I had no income).
  • Lawyers started telling me what I could & could not do.
  • Lawyers told me I had to agree to put my beloved home up for sale. I had no choice.
  • My father was diagnosed with a brain tumour.
  • Husband stopped supporting our daughter.
  • My father died.
  • My mother stopped speaking to me.
  • My daughter and I both had lawyers trying get husband to fulfil his legal financial responsibilities. The only replies we ever got (to this day!) were “Mr Clark can't afford...”
  • My daughter had to leave college and come home.
  • I broke down in the Employment Office.The lovely Job Centre ladies said there was no way I was fit to work (even if there had been any jobs!).
  • The phone rang all day, every day with people looking for payments which I couldn't make.
  • I was terrified if there was a knock at the door.
  • My eyesight was failing.
  • My hips and pelvic area stiffened, tightened, clicked and hurt.
  • Just getting the bus to the small local town made me shake with anxiety.
  • I felt permanently nauseous.

(As I got up from writing this, my hip clicked. I can feel the tension in my body and my stomach is queasy. Despite all the years, the work I've done and my intention to allow the energy of all this to flow through and out, my body remembers and is reacting. I'll work on it!) 😉

The local shop was just under a mile away. Previously, it had been no bother for me to pop up there but now the walk felt like climbing Everest. With stiff, sore hips and legs that didn't want to move, the lumpy grass verges felt like jungle swamps. Walking against the wind took every ounce of will-power and physical strength I had. When I reached the village I supported myself by holding on to garden fences and rails.

It's important to remember I had not suffered any physical injury or accident. My body had manifested pain, stiffness and weakness all by itself.

One day I was doing this, now marathon, walk against a gale blowing horizontal sleet. I truly thought about lying down in the mud and praying to die. Only the thought of my daughter made me plough on.

While all was going on, the concept of the What Your Body Wants To Hear meditations came to me.

I started researching, writing, recording and editing them. I clearly remember editing at my kitchen table when someone knocked on the window. I was paralysed with fear, kept my headphones on and pretended I didn't hear them.

One by one the meditations came to me. I was completely immersed, writing, recording and editing. If you've ever edited anything you'll know you have to go over and over it again and again. Unbeknown to me the editing was helping my body heal.

In the middle of this recording/editing process I was again heading to the shop. I'd done the first part of the walk – the boggy, lumpy grass verges and had reached the pavements of the village. It suddenly dawned on me, my body was powering along like a well oiled machine!! My joints were moving freely and my muscles were strong! 😊

The circumstances of my life were still horrendous but my body was working again! I hadn't taken any medication, hadn't undergone any surgery and my life was still sh*t but I could power-walk again.🎉

My purposes for writing this are three-fold: A personal challenge to see if I could. A catharsis for any residue I'm still holding and my strong suggestion to you. When things feel insurmountable immerse yourself in your chosen healing modality. If you are one of my clients, put your meditations on a loop, have them running in the background all day whenever you can. Your subconscious is taking it all in and your body will respond.

A special note to my lovely clients who use the Affirmations For Grief & Trauma meditation (many of whom have honoured me by trusting me with their personal stories). If you ever wondered why that meditation is so raw and deeply heart-felt, now you know.😉

These meditations have gathered a following of some of the most beautiful souls it is my privilege to know. You know who you are. You'll never know just how deeply my heart appreciates your messages of love and support. These meditations were born out of grief, loss and trauma. It is a joy to see them helping so many beautiful, loving, deserving souls.💗

Love and gratitude always,

Barbara X

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